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3 Powerful Ways To Move Past Your Anger, Frustration & Resentment

November 20, 2019 by Edie Wadsworth 1 Comment

Here’s what happened.

One Saturday morning recently, Tom-Tom decided to sneak out and take both of our dogs down to the lake. If you’ve seen pictures of my house you know there is a steep drop off to the lake and when the water’s down in the fall and winter you can climb on the rocks. Tom-Tom LOVES to take Banda down there and climb on the rocks.

Usually this turns out okay.

But not today. He could have gotten back up alone but he couldn’t get back up with the dogs.

So this turns into a two hour ordeal where my oldest daughter Elea has to scale down there to try and figure out how to help them.

She’s walking up and down the lake. They’re trying to figure out, “Can we get up here? Is there a little place where we could swim around this?” But, Tom couldn’t swim because he didn’t have a life jacket and he had a cast on one of his arms. (Another story, another time, dear reader!)

Then, Tom said, “Well, I’ll jus’ holler for some fisherman to help.”

So that’s exactly what he did! There were some fishermen out in a fishing boat on the lake and he got their attention. Pretty soon the muddy dogs and the muddy children got into the fishing boat and the dear fishermen drove them to safety and dry land.

Well, let me tell you, my daughter was not happy. Actually, nobody in the house was happy.

Except for Tom Tom.

He was totally thrilled with the adventure and himself. He tried not to smile when he got back home. That young’un just loves drama and an adventure.

And us? We were all just so mad.

Time, as it does, lent us some perspective and a few days later we all just realized that the whole situation was kind of hilarious. The stuff that he said when he got back up, the stuff that he said to all of us about the whole ordeal–the whole thing was really, really funny.

But it was not funny at the time. Nope.

How many of you can relate?

Something happens that makes you SO frustrated and angry but a few days later you realize, “I probably shouldn’t have gotten that worked up about it. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s actually kind of funny.”

I think we all can relate.

We catastrophize a situation, and then, an hour or two or even several days later, you calm down and say to yourself, “Okay. The sky’s not falling. No one is dying. Everything is just fine. “

I’m sure that many of you HAVE DONE THIS EXACT THING.

This got me thinking.

Sometimes the people in our lives–our kids, our husbands, our mother-in-laws, and so on–bring us such frustration, anger and resentment. This is such a good thing for us to work on!

The thing is, in so many situations we can’t change the circumstances. I didn’t know that Tom-Tom was sneaking down (and out!) with the two dogs. There’s nothing I could have done about the circumstance. So then I have to figure out, “I can’t change everything around me, so how am I going to manage myself in the situation?”

So let’s talk about three powerful ways that you can deal with situations that cause you anger, frustration or resentment.

First: Ask Ourselves Why
  • Why do I feel so angry about this?
  • Why am I so frustrated?
  • Why do I feel resentful?”

I JUST LOVE THIS because it allows us to be curious without judging ourselves. So many of us jump to judgment before we even figure out what is really going on, “You should be over this. You shouldn’t get angry about stuff like this.” We jump to judgment over the situation and then jump right on in to judge ourselves.

Asking yourself, “Why?” will allow you to give yourself a pause and a little compassion. “Well, okay, why do I feel this way?”

The temptation here is to think that you feel this way because of the situation. But, and this is important, the circumstances and the events of your life are not actually causing you to feel this way.

It’s the thoughts you are thinking.

So I love to ask myself, “What is the thought that I’m thinking about the situation that’s causing me so much pain, frustration, or anger?” Not everybody would react the same way that I react to that situation. “What’s causing ME to react this way?”

One of the thoughts that was causing me so much pain was, “This shouldn’t be happening.” Don’t we say this to ourselves SO often, whether the situation is serious or, in this case, not-so-serious and mainly mischievious?

So this was my thinking that weekend. “I thought we were doing so well. We’ve been to therapy. We’ve been doing all this. We’ve been working through this. I’ve been so patient. I’ve done all this. Why is this happening? It shouldn’t be happening. This should be better. He should be more adjusted. I should be a better mom.”

UGH! I was judging BOTH of us.

Let me tell you people, when you argue with reality, you lose. This is happening, though sometimes it’s something truly awful that’s happening.

Every time we tell ourselves, “This shouldn’t be happening,” we need to ask, “Is that thought helping me through this?” And honestly does a thought like this EVER help us through a situation? In my situation, that thought was poisonous. I started judging everything and everyone.

Learning to accept and love what is in our lives is so powerful. There’s a Latin phrase for this that a dear friend of mine reminded me of recently, “amor fati.” It means love of one’s fate. Loving what is, or at least getting to the point where we aren’t arguing with what is.

After Tom-Tom’s adventure I spent a good day (or more) with a heaviness in my chest. I said, “What am I doing wrong? Why did he disobey?” Really making the situation worse. But then, I was finally able to say, “Of course he’s going to take the dogs down without permission on the rocks. It’s too tempting for a little Tom Sawyer like him. Of course he’s going to do that. Of course that should be happening, because it is happening! My fighting against it is only making it harder for me.”

So, when you find yourself angry, frustrated or resentful, I want you to ask yourself, why?

“It’s so curious that I feel that way. What is the thought that I’m having that’s making me resent my mother in law?” Often the thought we are having is, “She should be different.”

“Why do I feel angry towards my husband?” Here too, the thought often is, “The situation should be different. He should be different. Our marriage should be different. We should be further along. We shouldn’t be fighting about things like this.”

Learning to be right where we are is so powerful.

Second: Just Allow The Feeling

The second powerful way to move past your anger, frustration and resentment is to just to allow the feeling.

What would happen?

Resisting your emotions absolutely makes things worse. After the adventure, I was saying to myself, “You’ve been a mom for a long time, why are you letting this get the best of you?” It wasn’t really frustration with what Tom had done but more frustration with myself–that somehow I should be a better parent or that I shouldn’t react this way.

It’s okay to be frustrated.

It’s okay, even necessary, to be exactly where you are.

If we would just allow ourselves to say, “Wow, I feel really frustrated about this. I’m curious about that. I wonder if there’s anything else going on that is adding to that?”

This is a powerful thing to do–to step back from a situation as a compassionate observer. This gives us some perspective and helps us to move past where we’ve become stuck.

I read something recently that really applies here. When we get in a negative thought loop, our thoughts get narrow and our emotions follow. Our focus becomes so narrow, we keep having the same thoughts over and over. We get stuck in frustration. We get stuck in anger. We get stuck in resentment.

We just get plain stuck.

Something wonderful happens when we open our minds and are willing to question how we are reacting to a situation. When we are willing to be gentler with ourselves and the people in our lives, the spiral from the positive thinking and emotion gets wider and wider. It allows us to see things differently, to think of more creative solutions, and to have more compassion–for ourselves and others.

Allowing emotion is powerful, even if it’s a negative emotion. There is nothing to be afraid of. You can feel frustrated. You can feel angry.

But here’s the thing! When you are aware of your emotions, you don’t immediately act on them. Whereas when you aren’t aware of them, you get angry and just react.

When you give yourself space and a little bit of grace, when you give the people in your life some grace and compassion, you are able to push the pause button before you act. “Interesting that I got so angry over that.” Don’t immediately beat yourself up. Don’t immediately snap at him. Give yourself a minute to figure out what else might be going on.

Third: Take Ownership Of Your Feelings

Living in emotional adulthood.

I’m not angry because a six year old took the dogs and went for a hike when he shouldn’t have. I’m angry because I have the belief that it shouldn’t have happened. When I own my feelings, I don’t need for the circumstance to change before I can feel better.

Here’s the thing that’s so important.

You can decide to stay angry, frustrated and resentful. There are a lot of creative ways that you can decide how you want to think and feel. Take the simple step of ownership, “I don’t feel this way because my husband didn’t take out the trash. I don’t feel this way because my kid disobeyed. I don’t feel this way because of anything that’s happening in my life, it’s how I’m choosing to think about it.”

“Is it something that I want to be frustrated and resentful about?”

I’m very careful when I answer yes to that question. Let me tell you why. It’s not because it’s morally wrong to feel frustrated. It’s because our body makes a chemical cocktail when we are feeling resentful, frustrated and angry and boy, do we feel that chemical reaction!

Your chest gets tight. Your throat gets tight. Sometimes we get so angry we feel like we might throw up.

Does the person you are angry with get to feel this?

Nope.

Only you get to live with all this internal rocking and rolling. So choose wisely. If you say, “Yes, I want to feel this resentment” that’s fine, but ask yourself, “Is this fair to me?”

What a gift it is to be able to look at a situation and go, “Wow, what an amazing curriculum God has given me for my life. This is how I become the next best version of myself, because this is my schooling.”

Sure we are all going to be in pressure cooker situations but I say yay for that!! It is exactly these kind of situations that are going to allow you to work on yourself–to have more control over yourself.

I promise you, when you spend time blaming other people for your emotional life, when you blame them for your anger and your resentment, there’s nothing you can do except hope they change.

Well, good luck with that, because they’re not changing.

I have a feeling that I’m going to have a lot of interesting adventures over the next few years! Because at the core of it all, I’m not going to change anyone.

So that’s the work of our lives. That is our curriculum, and I really am thankful for it. Sometimes it takes the perspective of a day or two away from it to say, “Wow, what has happened to my life? What has happened to my peaceful Saturday morning where I sat on the porch and drank coffee and read the paper?”

I’ve exchanged it for a much richer, more colorful experience, and I’m so grateful for it.


Filed Under: Featured, Uncategorized

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. AvatarMary Shipley says

    December 4, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    Dr. Edie…I see another scenario here! Could it be that Tom-Tom’s act broke your trust in him? Could it be that your laying out your boundaries for him were really to keep him safe until he was big enough for this adventure? I am the Queen of Catostrophic Thinkers and in my desire to keep my family safe, I create clear boundaries that we talk about and then discuss possible consequences should one in them stray…perhaps your anger was felt because of the deep fear you felt as you envisioned the worst possible outcome, which paralyzed you with such fear of loosing little Tom-Tom? I would venture that many moms would have shared this fear in this situation! Now the real trick is in how you convey this message of your love for him in a way that he will think twice before a repeat adventure? My prayers are with you all as you give each other grace like the Lord gives us, and forgiveness for Tom-Tom, who deliberately and willfully listened to his own heart, instead of his mothers!

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ediewadsworth

TEACHER/WRITER|HEALER
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Instagram post 2185709449818144382_27826134 The first time I hosted Thanksgiving was the only year I was ever a single mom, the year after my Daddy died.  I stayed up all night the night before, working  like crazy woman, probably trying to prove to myself that I was resilient and capable and industrious.  I listened to Counting Crows cranked up high,  made everything homemade, followed Martha Stewart’s Thanksgiving recipes to a T, down to the homemade cranberry/apple reduction sauce. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Y'all, I even constructed the Mayflower as a centerpiece for the kid’s table, with indian headdresses for all the littles. I made the Mayflower with my own TWO HANDS.  I’m just sayin, I think I get extra points for that?⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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When my family showed up at the door, I started sobbing.  Because sometimes I’m not so resilient and I’m not so strong. Sometimes I’m fragile and sad and so completely human. Sometimes even a handmade Mayflower can’t cover up what I’m hiding. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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One thing I know and love about Thanksgiving is that I want my people to be here. I need them to be here. Not so I can cook the best food and set the best tables but because I know how desperately we all need each other. I am so thankful for their love, their support, the gift of their presence in my life. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Mama friends, love your people HARD this Thanksgiving. Love your people when they've lost their way and when their mashed potatoes are runny and even when they stand at the front door and sob. This is what it means to take care of each other. This is the way of hospitality.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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My family responsively reads a beautiful Thanksgiving Litany  every year written by Pastor Bill Cwirla. It's so beautiful and I'm linking to it in my stories. Print it off and be blessed.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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LOVE YOU. Happy Thanksgiving week!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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And tell me in the comments ONE side dish you can't live without.
Instagram post 2185135133997569155_27826134 We got back from Disney yesterday and had the hardest evening we've had with Tom Tom to date. It was ugly.  His outbursts and anger are always directed toward me and I was crushed under the pressure.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I cried as hard as I've ever cried for close to an hour.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Stevie said in 20 years he's never seen me so broken.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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We finally got him to sleep then we prayed, we talked for hours, we didn't sleep much.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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But I woke up this morning with a fire in my belly that won't quit. There is NOTHING that little boy can say to make me go away, to make me stop loving him, to make me do anything but STAY RIGHT HERE until the storm passes.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I decided to fast and pray today and tomorrow. To beg God for a miracle, for healing, for redemption, for His precious little child to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is loved and CHOSEN.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I prayed against spiritual warfare that wants to do damage to this family and to our son. I prayed for heaven to come down, for Christ to be near.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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And I hold tight to the promise that the sufferings of this life do not compare to the glory that will be revealed. Sometimes life is not what we thought it would be, but I am HERE FOR ALL OF IT.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This warrior mama will NOT STOP fighting.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I invite you to join me for the next 50 days (which will end right between my 50th birthday and the day one year anniversary of Tom Tom coming to live with us) at 6:50 every morning for a wake up call—a reminder for all of us that what is happening in our lives is happening FOR US and that no matter what, we will show up for our lives, fully present and awake and ready to take back what has been lost. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I linked the first live stream from this morning in my stories today and I also thought you might need a CUP OF JOE for this wake up call series, so scroll through my stories and you'll find a bar code that you can use at Starbucks to FUEL UP for what's to come. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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This is my little reminder to you that YOU WERE CREATED for this battle. Bless you. Love you. xoxo
Instagram post 2183860274505911539_27826134 For two non-theme park, homebody geriatrics, Stevie and I rocked this Disney weekend.  In full disclosure, I got a teeny bit nauseated on Dumbo😂😂😂 And My favorite line from our boy, “I didn’t come all the way down here to jis keep stoppin and eatin.”😂😂🤩🤩😳😳😍😍 (in my defense, it was my only chance to sit down🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️🏃🏼‍♀️) There was magic, to be sure.  The lighting of the castle by Elsa, the character lunch at Chef Mickey’s, all the trinkets we said yes to, and the safari today at Animal Kingdom.  So amazing.  But All in all, I think our buddy would rather be home hauling something.  I think I’m with him. Although he did say, “Next year when we come...”😳😳😳😳 Make me laugh with your fave emojis that describe your relationship with Disney. Here are mine. 🆘🆘🆘🆘 K love ya, bye.
Instagram post 2181341008934204821_27826134 I woke Tom Tom up this morning and surprised him with the news that we are headed to Disney World!! I’m not sure the actual trip can live up to his excitement this morning.  But I will tell you this—for as hard as this year has been at times, having him in our home has been pure magic.  Also? Any last minute tips would be appreciated.  We’re not really Disney people but we can’t wait the spoil him rotten. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Instagram post 2177752273329668716_27826134 Two men in my life celebrated birthdays in the last month, and to say they were different celebrations is an understatement. Tom Tom welcomes ALL the birthday fun, and Stevie just wants a normal night and dinner.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I used to get SO hurt that Stevie didn't care about all the work I put into a big celebration. I made his birthday all about me and I let it be an excuse to prove the story in my head—that he doesn't appreciate what I do.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I've learned a lot about love and relationships and Stevie since then.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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I used to blame him for my emotions. I used to tell a different story about us. Until I realized that I'm in charge of the narrative of my life.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Here are 7 ways to take responsibility for your relationships and write a better story...⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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1. Stop blaming others for how you feel (your thoughts cause YOUR feelings, so nobody can make you feel anything!)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
2. Stop making excuses for why your relationships are struggling⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
3. Give yourself what you need⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
4. Stop chasing happiness in temporal, external things (Your contentment and peace of mind is YOUR work)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
5. Stop complaining about the people in your life⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
6. Stop resenting and start forgiving⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
7. Take action TODAY to make every relationship in your life better⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Your relationships are up to you.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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You can write the story how you want.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Your life is your responsibility and you lose all your power when you blame other people for how it's turning out.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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YOU are the ONE. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Which of the 7 above do you want to work on? I have mine!!!
Instagram post 2177034122979865055_27826134 Reminded of an article @paigeknudsen contributed to my blog years ago and was thinking that some of you may need to hear her words about the space where your dreams and callings collide.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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"teaching preschoolers. mentoring young mamas. creating art. advocating for the poor. going back to college at 52. opening a coffee shop. writing a book. staring a new career. saving pennies for a mission trip. buying a car. restoring economic opportunities in a haitian community.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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i obviously have no idea what your dream is. but I believe that He, the giver of all good gifts, has placed a dream in your heart. He’s not only placed a dream in your heart, He’s gifted you to walk into that space where the dream & the calling join hands and welcome you in. maybe you’re already there. maybe your sweet spot, the place where you are effective and confident and thriving, is already a part of your everyday."⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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YES & AMEN.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Those nudges that you’d like to do this or that? Those desires are God given and what a privilege to be able to create more love and kindness and good and beauty in the world.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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If you want a very FUN kick in the booty toward the goals and dreams, check out my stories today and GET YOURSELF to my live event, YOUR BEST BEAUTIFUL YEAR!! It's amazing and you'll be so glad you decided to make your GROWTH a priority. Your whole family will benefit!⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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WILL I SEE YOU THERE?!?!????!
Instagram post 2172738485744456617_27826134 I think the path to living the life you were created to live often looks like being willing to suffer the pain of exposure, being willing to admit, at least to yourself, that things are not as they should be—that you often fail to measure up to the standards that you or society or your church has set for you. That you’re still a mess of epic proportions.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Often what we do instead is hide away. Hide our emotions, hide our sins, hide our stories, hide somewhere safe behind the thin veil of religion, pride, status, wealth, a job, a degree, an addiction, or the self-obsesssion that often comes with trying to so hard to be what we think the world wants.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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And we all do it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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But friends, you’ve been given work to do, a story to tell, and people to serve.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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Don’t let fear keep you from doing in the world what only you can do. Yes, there will be fire and yes, there will be pain.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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The alternative is to stay closed and stuck.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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BUT. If you open yourself, your mouth, your heart up—in the process, you will learn to live fully alive in your giftings, free from what has shamed you and caused you to hide yourself, free to finally love and serve the people God has put right in front of you with everything that is in you, free to walk through fire to find your way home.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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XOXOXO⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
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p.s. If you're local, I'm speaking at Arrowhead Church in Morristown tonight and would love to see you there! Dinner is at 6 and I'll .be speaking at 7! Link to grab tickets in my stories!!!
Instagram post 2172009200287359414_27826134 Thursday morning chronicles with Tom Tom—

7am Wake him up in plenty of time to get dressed, eat something, play with the dogs, finish his math and ride his razor.

7:10 Get him dressed in his school uniform and smooch his face all over because he’s so darn cute.

7:20  Give him his 15 minute warning and remind him we have to finish his math before we leave.

7:30  Five minute warning while I finish my chores.

7:32 He yells upstairs that he has pee all over his shirt, so I go downstairs to investigate.  Sure enough. A dinner plate sized pee stain on the front of his uniform shirt.
“Tom, what in the world happened to your shirt?” He looks surprised, “All I did was go outside and pee and it got all over me.” I take a deep breath, bite my tongue and tell him that I’m going to get clean clothes for him and he better meet me in the car in 30 seconds because we have to leave.

7:35 I get in the car with his clean clothes and  his unfinished math homework and start slowly pulling out of the driveway.

7:37 I drive slowly past the front door at which point I spot him getting on his razor. “Tom, get in this car right now or I’m leaving.” He doesn’t. I drive slowly away.
He gives me a good headstart and then starts chasing me, half nekkid, down our long drive.  I stop to give him a chance to get in.  He makes a quick turn to the right and yells, “I’ll dis meet you at Becky’s by the horses.” 7:40 I spot him running as fast as he can through the fields and back yards and long grass. He opens the door and jumps in, with a grin a mile wide, just as proud of himself as he could be. He gets dressed and buckled in no time flat, breathing heavy and asking me why I’m so mean.

7:41 I tell him that if he doesn’t finish his math on the way to school, he may have to miss recess. (Blatant LIE but at this point, I AM TAPPED OUT.) He keeps handing me his math sheet, while shaking his head and asking me to read it to him and telling me he “ain’t too good at math. Or readin either." He finishes just in time to jump out of my car and barrel into school with all the pride of a boy who has conquered the world.

Just curious? How was your morning?
Instagram post 2170650350363663481_27826134 They don’t call me an Appalachian medicine woman for nothing.😂🤩🤠 Tom Tom told me last week that I needed to bring oils to his teacher. “She would like ‘em cause she’s jist like you.” Not sure what that meant but I have some miracle stories with my potions.  One of my fave things lately? Slathering my knee in Marjoram. (ACL tear in April doing a race). That combined with the magic of my gym @10experience  and the brilliance of @absolute_tx and Zac’s amazing therapy, I pr’d my deadlift yesterday at 253 pounds!!!! MAMA IS GETTING STRONGER.  I may have done the happy dance. 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼 What amazing results have you had with these unicorn tears?!?
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