13 Piddly thoughts that I feel the need to share with you. On January 13th.
1. I love the phrase “Do what?” in place of “Pardon?”
2. I am ashamed to say that I threatened to send my children back to ‘real’ school today. “And you can’t tell your teacher there that you’re NOT gonna DO your math….or that you don’t LIKE to memorize poems. When I was your age, I had to walk four miles……rant, rave, and rant some more…..and you ARE gonna respect me….do you understand me?”
( Stepping down off of a very large soap box. )
3. Having a new puppy is like a big whirlwind of squishy, yummy slobbery kisses and poop. Arranged like little land mines all across your back yard.
4. I do not complain about the ‘land mines’ because I’m so thankful they are not in the house.
5. While serving my family the most awesome beef stew I have ever had acquaintance with, I say to them: “When you eat food like this, you know one thing for sure……Somebody loves you.” They fake smile and nod. And then devour the most awesome beef stew. Ever. I’m too tired to post the ‘recipe’ because I cook like an old granny who doesn’t even know where her measuring cup is. And washes styrofoam and reuses it.
6. My brand new Nikon D90 has a weird malfunction and will NOT take pictures. The Nikon representative told me that ‘if the inconvenience bothers me, I should return it to the store where I bought it’. Well sir, the tiny fact that my new Nikon camera WILL NOT TAKE PICTURES….sorta does bother me. A TEENY TINY BIT. IT’S A CAMERA THAT WILL NOT TAKE PICTURES. I am not an unreasonable woman here. Despite the fact that my lounge pants are covered in dog hair and I’ve claimed the ‘clippie’ as a hairstyle.
7. I have been using a certain high-end hair product which I thought was a conditioner. This said product, given to me by my stylist, is apparently a toner that has slowly turned my hair into something I do not recognize. A sort of blondish, beigish, yellowish, orangish color that I have never in fact seen in nature. The scary part is….I really don’t care that much. This could be devastating evidence that I’m becoming one of ‘those’ mom-types who has given up. You may want to intervene.
8. Did I mention the beef stew? ‘Cause I think I could enter it into a state fair and win a blue ribbon.
9. Do what?
10. There are ‘chew’ marks on my laptop. And on the legs of all my furniture. Is this gonna be covered under my warranty? Home owners?
11. Speaking of chew, Southerners often say “Chewsdee” for Tuesday.
12. My ‘resoluteness’ for my ‘resolutions’ is waning. It happens to be January 13.
13. My outside Christmas wreaths are still up. It happens to be January 13.
In order to make the ‘do what’ phrase work, you have to say ‘what’ in a really high pitch and in two syllables.
I am forced to post this scintillating piece literary nothingness with no pictures because MY NEW NIKON CAMERA DOES NOT TAKE PICTURES. There, I feel better.