Knit Together

by Edie Wadsworth on August 5, 2009

I have a strange way of grieving. Lately, I am always on the verge of tears. Today, my eyes welled up with tears at least three times and I can’t even remember why. But I don’t usually slow down or withdraw. I cry frequently and then feverishly keep my hands and my head occupied. (officially called being ‘in a tizzy’). It’s the only way I know to give my heart a break. So, in this grieving season of little birdies leaving my nest, I’m reading and knitting. Almost ravenously. Since we arrived in MN, I’ve knit and read nearly continuously. Except for the multitudinous breaks for eating. I guess I should add ‘eating’ to my list of grieving activities but it seems much less industrious than knitting and reading.

Like this beanie I made for Taylor this week, I couldn’t get Psalm 139 out of my head.

You have searched me and known me
You search out my path and my lying down
You are aquainted with all my ways
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me
‘You knit me together in my mother’s womb’
Where shall I go from your spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
He will never be alone. His Lord will be ever present. And my beloved son will be ‘hemmed in’. He will be surrounded by a hedge of protection. (And a cute little beanie hat). I know that I need not worry. But I also know that this is just one more stage in the process of letting them go. And I don’t know any other way to walk through that valley except one painful step at a time. So bear with me. My heart is heavy. My thoughts and days are bitter sweet.

I guess I should be thankful that I’ll still have this one home to make me laugh. I’ve been trying to think up a good rap name for him. Maybe S. Macdaddy Wads or better yet, all one word, Smacdaddy Wads. And just that quick I go from tears to belly laughs. Welcome to my emotional roller coaster.

~~BTW, I did NOT ask him to pose. This is his natural gangsta face. Be very afraid.
~~And thanks to Grandma Evadne for her patience with my facial contortions when she told me I was going to have FOUR knitting needles going at once. She’s a saint with my questions and mistakes.
~~ Caiti like the beanie so much, I’ve started one for her. I feel a tsunami of tears on the horizon.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jessica August 5, 2009 at 10:32 pm

Love Smacdaddy Wads gangsta face. Edie your knitting is remarkable! Great job, and love the photos as always. So sorry your birdies are starting to leave the nest. :( Just enjoy this family vaca while it's here,(easier said than done I'm sure).

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2 Gina Williams August 5, 2009 at 10:34 pm

Sis, just let it out. I know you will have many moments of letting it out over the next few weeks. Use that beanie to wipe some of the tears away. I will cry with you once you are back in my neck of the woods. Have a great rest of your week and enjoy your time with those sweeties, even Smacdaddy Wads…love the face and the name. Love you bunches!!!

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3 Sandra August 5, 2009 at 10:58 pm

Omgosh, I know exactly how you're feeling. My oldest was accepted into medical school at the school of his choice. Well his school of his choice is in Houston, 10 hours away from us. I think we were really blessed to have him still with us when he was going to the university here in the same city that we live. Now all of a sudden my baby is leaving. Omgosh, I become teary to think that my baby is moving. ugh! He is the one of all our boys who is always taking care of mama.
It's hard, yes it's hard. ugh. I even made my own little post about this. This is my link to that post.
http://mybellarose.blogspot.com/2009/07/my-private-mama-moment.html
We are moving him to Houston this coming week. Yes, I'm very excited that he'll start medical school. He is very intelligent, that boy. But mama is having a little bit of a hard time.
Ugh, i'm sorry that I am rambling on here. ((HUGS))
Sandra

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4 Kimberly August 6, 2009 at 1:27 am

Oh yes, he's very scary :)

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5 patty August 6, 2009 at 2:26 am

awwhh, edie. we love you! the knitting looks great.makes the beanie all the more meaningful. enjoy minn aand your beautiful family. >hugs<

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6 Queen to my 3 Boys August 6, 2009 at 4:01 am

Just reading about your grieving lately makes me want to sit down and sob with you.

I am an emotional sobbing mess myself – thanks to the hormones of my nest filling up, though, not emptying out.

Hugs (and prayers) your way…

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7 Melissa Stover August 6, 2009 at 5:25 am

oh you sweet thing. i'm not a crier, but i have no idea how i'll react when my babies leave my nest. i can't even contemplate that now. i'm ever so thankful they are all tucked in snug under our roof every night right now.

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8 Darla August 6, 2009 at 6:21 am

i said a prayer for you just now, i feel your pain. we are about to start senior year, and it hits me out of the blue- wow!the pain is indescribable, then other days i am ok. keep on knitting sister. wish i could give you a great big {{hug}}!!! looks like you have a great partner to help you through.

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9 Me & My House August 6, 2009 at 8:00 am

Love the beanie and love the "gangsta" name! Be blessed and have a great week…and thanks for the verse…I FELT it…I LOVE it.

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10 Anne August 6, 2009 at 12:03 pm

Ugh. I'm already dreading those days and mine are only 3 and 1.

Smacdaddy Wads is perfect, I think! And ooooh that Gangsta face is classic!

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11 foursips August 6, 2009 at 12:14 pm

I'm still not convinced your genuinely 100% human. Case in point, who (including Martha Stewart) bakes almost daily, cooks entrees that would make Emeril jealous, paints like a pro, decorates like Moll Anderson, has her children in various extra curicular activities…… speaking of children,,, HOMESCHOOLS the youngest ones, reads like there's no tomorrow, writes like a famous author on her blog, devotes herself to her faith and is continuously cultivating that in her children, knits (honestly, who in OUR generation knits but herrrrr)manages a household, maintains a house as if she were on staff at the Whitehouse, talks about her husband in such a way that makes all of us wish there was another Smacdaddy Wads around…… ain't no end to this list. Have I made my point people????? Forget Proberbs 31. The newest versions of the Bible will have Edie 31. I never realized in our days together at HHS that there was a superhuman roaming those halls. Oh but there was.

Jama Millsaps Siperly

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12 BlueCastle August 6, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Your hat looks lovely. 4 knitting needles all at once? That makes my head spin just thinking about it.

So glad you have such a nice man – even if he does have a gangsta face – to keep you smiling through your tears.

God bless you and your babies.

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13 Amy August 6, 2009 at 4:56 pm

I've been a lurker for a little while now. Your blog has inspired me in so many ways. I have 6 children. The oldest is 12 and starting middle school. We were at target buying her shoes and she's in woman's sizes now. I started crying in the store when I realized how significant that was. How big she is getting. I will be a basket case myself when they all start leaving the house. My heart is with you, you sweet, dear, girl!

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14 braiden August 6, 2009 at 5:59 pm

I JUST READ YOUR POST WITH TEAR FILLED EYES AND A SMILE ON MY FACE…WHO CAN UNDERSTAND HOW THE TWO GO TOGETHER BUT THEY DO ALL TOO OFTEN. YOU NAILED IT WHEN YOU SAID YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO WALK THROUGH THIS PAINFUL VALLEY EXCEPT ONE STEP AT A TIME. THAT MIGHT JUST BE THE WORD FOR THIS SEASON FOR US ALL:) PRAYING FOR MY FRIEND I HAVE NEVER MET YET CARE JUST THE SAME. WHAT A SEASON OF PARADOX….

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15 Ruthie August 6, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Dear, dear Edie… let the tears flow and do not fight them… they will bring a cleansing relief. As a mother, our feelings go deep for our young ones. I suspect that you are being hard on yourself as well. Are you wondering if you did your job right? or if you have given them all they need to survive the big, bad world? You have a heart very similar to my own… and I can tell you from experience, while letting go of my own two beautiful girls that I doubted myself and what I had done with and for them. But a few years have passed and there have been some rocky points along the way and I had much fear and trembling and there were buckets of tears shed and I am here to reassure you that God IS in control. Even if they make some bad decisions and you think they can not recover from them-they can. And you will too. Sometimes there will be scars, but they will learn from their experiences and grow from it. And isn't that what we want for our children. Fear not and do not be anxious about anything.

I love you dear Edie for bearing your heart to us in the blog world. You are a gem. You will look back one day and know that you did your job correctly. I see it all over the place in your blog and through some people we know. You have made an impact on your little world and those that are blessed enough to be a part of it. Smile through those tears today dear one-the future IS bright!

Much love to you. Put one your magic apron and bake up something amazing! That's what I would do.

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16 Neisey August 6, 2009 at 11:05 pm

The beanie looks great! Good job!

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17 Anna See August 7, 2009 at 2:14 am

Oh my goodness. I am grieving my kids' growing up right now and they are 8 and 10. Thanks for sharing these thoughts and my all time favorite Bible verse.

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18 Mandi August 7, 2009 at 2:32 am

Oh Smacdaddy Wads is my vote for sure. And you are right, that face is definitely GANGSTA! So sorry your heart is so heavy, but I can only imagine how I will be in the years to come when my boys have to leave the nest. The verse you quoted holds a very special place in my heart as well. Thanks for sharing Edie.

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19 Sue August 12, 2009 at 4:18 am

Edie- I pop in and out to read your blog, and was so so glad I saw this post. I will be taking my daughter/friend/kindred spirit to college tomorrow. I cannot stop crying. At work. In the car. When I take the laundry out of the dryer. This time last year I took my son, our oldest, and I was caught unprepared by the horrible sadness. I knew I would be sad, but didn't realize the full blown grief, or that it would stay with me for a while, and now here I go again. Sadly, my children are stair steps…..so I will do this again next year. The next year I plan to do something fabulous in August so that it won't always be associated with backbreaking sadness. Grace to you my sister!

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20 KC Mom August 12, 2009 at 10:00 pm

A friend of mine referred me to your blog today. She said we had something in common…our oldest was leaving the nest. I'm leaving to take my oldest daughter to college this saturday and I've been known this past week to burst into tears spontaneously. I seriously don't know how to cope with this. I've blogged it a little but I'm afraid I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. I appreciated your words and really feel your pain. Take care and hold on.

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21 mamasan August 14, 2009 at 12:21 pm

Edie, I just met you today…or, rather, last night. I love you already. I know where you are, have been there twice, cried a river or two, maybe three or even more. It's a wrenching, guttural feeling, I know. You feel a gaping foreign void because it is—for now. But with great-unselfishness and love you will let them go, let your babies fly, and when they return you will see magnificent, remarkable sameness in each child, in each love of your life…but you will also see growth beyond your imagination, fluid forward movement, not away from your heart, but into a deeper knowing of their own. It is a truly awesome thing to witness. After the pain, the deep pain, comes growth you could not see without the separation…it's all part of the Grand Design…now, all your teaching, love, and guidance has come forth to firmly anchor each pair of precious feet to the ground…they stand ready for new life lessons–you know this–and they will absorb all and carry it back home to you–remarkable newness meshing seamlessly with comforting sameness…you will be moved beyond measure…you will be proud…and you will cherish each moment and gather it all into your heart. Good thing God allows the heart to grow and swell,lest we parents’ die from loving so much. It will take a bit, grieving is a good and natural net of safety for now. But the blossoming will come. In you as well. The joy will return multiplied. You will see. Thank you for letting me find you. I had to break away from some bitter talk. Had to leave an online place of many people I loved because I could not take the harshness. Thank you for sharing your good and gentle joy. Our home is much the same, and in that and so much more we have communion.

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22 Carol August 15, 2009 at 11:03 am

I'm just gonna jump right in here. I'm pretty new to your blog, but love what I see.

"Foursips" comments to you are so encouraging. She named a pretty impressive list of all that you are and that is just beautiful.

Hang onto the Lord through this time. He will see you through and I know you know that.

I homeschool, too, and have 5 children ages 13, 11, 9, 7, and 7. I definitely experience feelings of loss just thinking of them moving on and moving out in such a short time from now. I can't imagine having 3 go at once.

Sister in Christ, here is a hug from me (an expat from Michigan that lives in England temporarily) to you! :-)

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23 chanteusevca August 15, 2009 at 9:36 pm

How synchronistic that I find your blog today through another blog I read. I so needed to hear the voice of scripture today, but could only thumb through back and forth and not concentrate completely. But Someone directed me to your beautiful blog and the words I read were exactly what my spirit needed to see and hear today. Two of my precious grandchildren are going to spend the night with their father who has not seen them in several months and has never kept them over night. He isn't careful with them like their mother and I and the rest of our family are. But they are his children too, and hopefully his mother will help watch over them and they will return to us safely Sunday evening. I woke in the night with fear that their safety was in jeopardy. I have cried off and on all day without anyone knowing. And my beautiful granddaughter crawled up into my lap which she rarely does these days being a very mature and stylish 3-year-old with busy plans for dance class and other girlish pursuits. I know He knew that I needed her hugs and affection before she left our sanctuary today. But I needed even more and found it here by "happenstance" (more like Divine guidance) on your blog that I have now become a subscriber.

En Agape and Blessings for your open heart and willing spirit

~ Victoria in Texas

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