I’ve been thinking……….

Ever have one of those days or weeks where you ‘re just lost inside your own dreamy head?  And you can’t sleep or remember the last 3 pages of the book you just read?  And you eat but you’re not satified?  Nothings’ wrong but nothings’ quite right either.  A weird sort of holding pattern where everything seems paramount and futile all at the same time.   

Yeah?  Me too.   So I thought I’d jot my thoughts down….in hopes that telling you will help me sort them out.

1.  I have a ba-jillion home projects soaring around in my head.  Yes, a ba-jillion I said.  Painting and cleaning and purging and calling all manner of laborers in to help.  As the projects jump and flit around in my head like popcorn popping , I……hesitate.   I go to Lowe’s and can’t decide on a paint color.  I walk in circles in my house and decide that maybe doing nothing is better than a ba-jillion things.  It’s all wrong but it’s so pleasantly right.  I’m completely content and at once slightly restless.

2. I have my sister on my heart.  She’s recovering from surgery and seeing her ‘incapacitated’ , albeit for a short time,  has caused some angst.  Maybe it reminds me of my own mortality.  Maybe seeing the worry in Elea’s eyes ruffled my mother hen feathers a bit.  I wish I could protect those I love from pain.  I felt keenly emotional when I saw her lying there helpless in her hospital bed.  I’d move mountains for that girl.  If she needed me, I wouldn’t flinch…or hesitate….I’d just go.  I want her to be with me always.  

3. I’m in a homeschooling ‘tizzy’.  I want to finish with a bang and there’s so much fun stuff to learn and do.  And just thinking about next year makes me giddy.  We’ll be studying medieval times.  Oh the projects we’ll do and the books we’ll read and the poems we’ll memorize.   Just for kicks, I’m rereading The Well Trained Mind.  That Susan Wise Bauer is one amazing woman.  How can she have accomplished that much already in life?  What have I been doing while she published all these books and taught at the university and homeschooled four children?  I feel so ‘behind’…….like I shoulda been doing this all along.    And then the heaviness comes.  Will I continue to feel isolated?  Will my girls continue to respect me as their teacher? Are they getting what they need?   Will there be a shortage of bubble gum?  This is what haunts me at 1:30 in the morning.

4.  Taylor’s graduation has me carrying around a heavy heart burden.  I wish you could know him.  He’s funny and kind and respectful and gentle.  He believes in truth and has been unafraid to stand in a crowd that so easily loses its way.  I get lost in the memories of his life.   I fight back tears.  I let them flow.  I sit in his room and wander how I will manage without his steady predictable presence in my life.  But then I quickly dry the wet hot face and think of invitations and scrapbooks and parties and videos.  There happens to be a lot of work to do.  And wet hot tears do not beget productivity.   At least not for me.   

5.   Then there’s this whole comment/no-comment thing.  It has me befuddled.   There are less than two weeks left in Lent.  It has been a time of retreat and reflection for me.  I had no idea that I needed your kind words and interaction so much and  I have really missed the ‘conversation’.  I’m so looking forward to our reunion but I needed this period of ‘detachment’.  To remind me that technology is not neutral.  It has consequences and we should be aware of them.  Reading the book Amusing Ourselves to Death shed some light on this for me.  We are a culture addicted to distraction.  I think I see the line in the sand now.  I need to write.  And I love sharing my journey with you but I must stay vigilant to keep it in its’ rightful place in my life.  Technology worships images and speed and is not often conducive to demanding intellectual and spiritual disciplines.  It cannot replace serious bible reading and study and should not trump my attempt to educate myself with classical literature.  That said, I am so thankful for delightful people I have met and the way you all inspire me to higher creative pursuits and to an authentic yet simply lived life.

6. Holy Week is fast approaching.  I plan to take the week off from blogging to focus on Christ’s passion and to teach my children about the events in Christ’s life during Holy Week.   If I do post, it’ll be related  to that.  I find myself marveling at the breadth of His love for us.  I wallow in guilt at how I have repeatedly and unabashedly abused His mercy in my life and I fall on my face and beg His forgiveness.  He tells me that He remembers my sin no more.  That His atonement has covered me.  I  rest in His promises.   And stand in awe at my Father’s grace.

I am never alone.

 

So there you have it.   Life inside a crazy woman’s head in the wee hours of the morning.  Surely you have days like this………you do, right?

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