“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down to a typewriter and bleed.” Ernest Hemingway
I woke up at 3:15 on Saturday morning and crawled out of bed, fumbling around on the floor for my computer. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep so I made my way to the living room where I knelt down on the floor beside the sofa and prayed, “Please give me the courage to tell the truth. I need You. Amen.” And with only the angst in my stomach for fuel, I began to write about the hardest year of my life.
I kept getting stuck. I kept wanting to skirt around the truth, wanting to say what needed to be said, but guarding the deepest hurt and shame like a fractured bone. I wanted to tell the truth but so strong was the desire to protect myself. I wrestled with it until I finally had the courage to write one true sentence. Hemingway said, “Write hard and clear about what hurts. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest thing you know.”
So many early morning awakenings, so much lost sleep, so much anguish. Why? Because I want you to think I’ve got it all together. I don’t want you to know about the year I fell into a pit of my own making. I want you to see how God turned the mess all around but I really don’t want to throw that curtain open, to expose the worst parts of my story.
But guess what? I spent 20 years pretending to be fine, pretending I was pulling off the Christian life without a hitch and the truth finds a way out, no matter how well you’ve set up the fences and the moats and suits of armor. And in my wiser moments, I remember that you really don’t want to think that I have it all together. What you want is to know that I struggle like just like you do. I came to a point where it was finally safe to say, I’m not okay. I’m not pulling this off. I’m not getting better and better. I finally realized that it doesn’t help me or anyone else in my life when I pretend to be more than who I really am. The truth will write itself all over your life until you give it its voice. You’ll tell the truth or you’ll live with addictions and anxieties and secret sins and the loneliest heartache you can imagine.
But when you say the truest thing, when you come out of hiding, when you stop trying to protect yourself and your image, something beautiful happens. When you say I still struggle with besetting sins, you place yourself in humility before God, knowing that you must trust in His righteousness for you. When you say, My marriage is in trouble, you place yourself in a position of dependence on God, begging Him to fix what is broken. When you say I’m worried about my kids, you acknowledge how powerless you are to change your own life, much less anyone else’s. When you say, I’m not okay, you open up a river of life, making possible a pathway for healing.
And you know what else? You finally won’t feel alone. Because you’ll realize you aren’t. You’ll begin to see how very wounded and wretched we all are and that your sins are no different from mine. You’ll see that we are all in the same sinking ship and you’ll begin to see the irony—that Christ came only for sinners. It’s not the well who need a doctor. So admitting we’re sick is the best place to start, trusting the One whose virtues would make him so vulnerable that they would destroy him.
You’ll still be broken but you won’t be alone.
And then, God can get to the parts that need healing.
I woke up at 3:30 yesterday morning and the old doubts came rushing back. I wondered to myself if God REALLY could forgive me for those hard years, for what I’ve done, what I’ve seen, who I’ve been. A few hours later, I walked into Sunday School and my pastor proceeded to say this, as he taught on Jesus’ temptation in the wilderness:
And I paraphrase:
Jesus is in the wilderness defeating Satan for you. He knows how the Israelites failed so miserably in the wilderness and he knows how you’re failing too. But he didn’t fail. He defeated the enemy of God on your behalf and that’s only the beginning. That was the easy part. The hard part comes later when he goes to a cross and dies for you to defeat sin and death because he knows how enslaved you are, how in prison you are, how you wrestle over and over with the flesh and lose every time. He won’t lose. He will willingly die and there, in His cross, in His death, you will find life and freedom and heaven. You think he can’t forgive you? It’s okay, now you’ll even have to trust Him to give you the faith to believe it because you are forgiven my friends. His word makes faith where there is only doubt and confusion. You are His beloved children and He has gone to EVERY length to rescue you. He’s done everything. It’s all grace. It’s all gift.
We can tell the truth because we’re safe now. The worst has already happened and it happened to Jesus and nothing else can wreck us.
We are in the arc of Christ, where nothing can ever separate us from God’s love.
The truth is out and we’re exposed for the sinners we are.
Now get under this blanket with me and let’s get cozy.
It’s called the righteousness of Christ and He will make Himself vulnerable unto death to protect us.
His Truth in exchange for ours.
****
My spiritual memoir, All the Pretty Things, is now available for preorder. Keep your receipt number to claim your preorder bonuses once they are released!
Thank you for your obedient heart Edie. I needed to hear this today.
Mwahhhh!
xoxo
Thank you for such a beautiful message this morning. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to read your blogs. At age 65 I’ve reached a point of such beautiful contentment in my life. I can look back at my life and see how the Lord has worked such wonders and miracles and that leaves me even more patient to wait upon him.
I pray that you are abundantly blessed as you have blessed those around you.
Betsy
beautiful
Thank you, Betsy. So thankful you’re here with us!!
Heartfelt words, your honesty and vulnerability only makes me like ya more! You are inspiring to me, Edie. What I would give to sit and have coffee with you:) your book, if written as your blog posts, is going to move mountains and change hearts. Thank you.
So blessed by you.
YES! Let’s do that coffee.
xoxo
Truth telling about our own brokenness seems to be rare. The truth is i am like you. I dont have everything together but so thankful that I have a Savior who rescued me. It is refreshing to hear another believer admit this is a journey of faith with hard places.
We are all so much the same, Debra.
Much love to you.
xoxo
thank you, this is beautiful.
Edie……..I am with Meg! I would love to sit and have a cup of coffee with you! You touch so many with your honesty. Your journey penned for all the world to see gives courage and allows so many to step out of self isolation and realize how one’s journey is all our journey. You are a beacon of Christ’s love. Thank you for the blessing you are!
I would so love that.
Yes, we are all just walking each other home.
xoxo
I have been in the battle with breast cancer for the last 5 years…Iam doing chemo for the 4th time…from the beginning I have given it all to God, talked about God to anyone who would listen and tell people this is where He has me. BUT lately I feel like I’m not being truthful… do I really lay this at His feet? Give this to Him completly? I feel I’m like you, pretending to be fine, when all I want to do is cry … I know these thoughts come from the great deceiver, and still I listen …. I do believe God will use this cancer for His glory … and again I fall on my face …. Thank you for sharing, uniting us all in our joys & sorrows
Where does my help come from, my help comes from the Lord!
Blessings on your day,
Keep Looking up!
He already has Cheryl. You ministered to me this evening. Thank you for this vulnerable comment. I am in a place of questions as well, while mine is not a physical burden it is a burden that will require faith, trust and laying a burden (once again) at his feet. But I know that I know, that I know, that He has walked this road ahead of me and been tempted in the same way and has promised a way through. Praying for peace, comfort and reassurance for you dear lady.
We so stand with you, Cheryl and pray for you and know that God holds you so tenderly in His care. I can’t even imagine the pain, the fear. You have so blessed us by sharing your most vulnerable self. Bless you and may the love of Christ strengthen you in these hardest days.
Praying this with you today.
Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.
Merciful Father, You know how difficult these days are for Cheryl. In Your holy Word, You have promised to hear those who cry unto You in the day of trouble. Listen to her cries for mercy and send help from the sanctuary of Your grace.
Preserve her from bitterness of spirit, and rescue her from every temptation to despair. Calm her frustrations with the knowledge that her life is secure in Your redeeming love, for she is baptized into the death and resurrection of Your Son. Draw her out of self centered worry, which stifles faith, and cause her to take comfort in the Gospel. Sustain and strengthen her under every cross and affliction, that Your grace might be made perfect in her weakness.
Give her confidence to pray without losing heart and to trust in Your mighty deliverance according to Your good and gracious will.
Father, into Your hands we commend her to you. Hear us, for the sake of Your Son, who alone is our Brother and Savior.
Amen.
Edie,
I want to thank you for the beautiful prayer… I love prayers that speak so beautifully, and yours did,you have a gift, a blessing from the Lord… I thougth I would share where Iam today….God does answer prayers, whether with the answers we want or the answers acording to His will… I had a pet scan and I’am 95% improved! not in remission (yet) but my Dr. would like me to do 2 more chemo treatments hoping for remissions… Iam doing the first one on Thrusday, knowing that God goes with me..What ever the out come, I prayed for more time and He answered… Thank you Lord! May God to continue to bless you and your family, may He continue to use you to draw people to Him
Keep looking up!
Cheryl
Thank you for letting the Father guide your heart, then your thoughts, and finally your words. Our pretend-perfect lives leave no room for a SAVIOR. Your honesty will allow God’s transforming grace and mercy to shine. Your life is so darn pretty–I love it– your home, your family, your cooking and entertaining, your clothes——— but the most beautiful is your heart. Think of what we’d all have missed if you left that part out!
So much love and thankfulness for this, Lori.
Love to you.
xoxo
Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever considered something as wonderfully simple as Christ as the cozy blanket of comfort, warmth and love. Humble tears.
Love you, sister.
xoxo
{Kathy} Edie, I’m not okay either. I’m not sure that I every truly want to be. My dependance on Christ is hinged on needing Him on a daily, hourly, by minute basis. Thank you for sharing your cozy, blanketed thoughts. They encourage me in knowing I’m not alone.
Bless you, Kathy.
So glad you’re here.
xoxo
Wow- this is such a foundational truth, it takes my breath away…how much energy is wasted hiding, when I don’t have to! What a merciful savior I have who saves me from myself. Thank you for encouraging me to stay in the light of truth.
Yes and yes!
Mucho love!
xoxo
just so beautiful♥
Edie, I don’t know what your worst year was, but I’m so glad that God is healing it for you. I still struggle with a few things from the past, but am at the point of only seeing the beautifully Jesus-healed scar instead of the wound. Your words are what I’ve already learned, and I long to be able to share them with our Prodigal son…in His time!
Sometimes that’s all I can see too. And then there are the harder days.
Much love to you and yours, Sherri.
xoxo
Oh Edie…I so look forward to your posts. This is beautiful and what we all need to hear and trust. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your faith with all of us.
So thankful for you.
xoxo
This post. Those words. The message is so deeply profound & powerful! Thank you. I am so grateful to have found your blog & I look forward to every post you share! What a wonderful gift you have!! I have been so blessed by many of your blog posts & also your podcast!
Such sweet encouragement.
Thank you, Patsy.
xoxo
I am just like you, things to uncover. With the grace of God I know I can overcome anything, He is there waiting for me to talk to him. Hugs Edie!
Yes!
xoxo
Yes, He is our refuge.
xoxo
I am gutted by these words, and at the same time I am lifted and inhale Life. It is such a paradox how our Lord uses our brokenness and pain to craft Beauty. I (we all) appreciate your vulnerability to say that you don’t have it all together, that you have made mistakes, squandered years and opportunities, that shame has been too close of a partner. It magnifies His grace and reassures me that I am not the only one.
Prayers for you as you continue to write and share your story.
Beautiful, life giving words, Heather.
Thank you so much.
xoxo
Telling your story is worshipping Him in Spirit and in Truth. Let Him make you brave. Thanks for being real. It gives people hope, something to relate to, and helps people realize they aren’t alone….we all have our “stuff”. Bless you Edie!
Bless you, Kristen.
Thank you for the love!
xoxo
❤️❌⭕️❤️⭕️❌❤️
I absolutely cannot wait for your book! You are such a wonderful ‘look forward to’ each day for me! Today was awesome! XOXO
Awwww, thank you so much, Stacey.
xoxo
Thank you. I am not even reading this blog on the day it was launched, but I read it in God’s perfect time for me. I am struggling with all these things, and He gives me permission to lean on Him again, like I should be. Thank you for being His vessel Edie, His obedient vessel. Love to you-Kari
So glad you’re here.
🙂
Heartbreakingly beautiful.
I wait patiently for these posts that give me hope. I cling to every word as I have lived them all. Your momma knew best. ‘The sun shines where you are.’
You have so blessed me.
Sending you all my love, Lisa.
xoxo
Beautiful! Thank you! Really, thank you.
Just a Beautiful post. You are such a gifted writer.
Thank you for sharing with us such resonating words of your walk.
Can’t help but to hear Amazing Grace while I read your post. I once was lost, but now I am found.
Keep writing, sweet Edie. You’re a blessing!!
Betsy
Thank you so much, Betsy.
Yes, amazing grace!
xoxo
Edie- I will be in Nashville soon for a week. We could meet for coffee if you happen to want a trip to Nashville;) I know- wishfu thinking!!!!
Thank you Edie, I cannot tell you how much your words mean each and every time I read your posts. Thank you for your honesty, and humility. Thank you, thank you and God bless you.
Thanks, Edie. Food for the soul. I am grateful for you & your pen.
Thanks Edie. A perfectly timed piece for me. I have the opportunity next Monday to lead a small group of mum’s from Church as we work through a book together. As I read the assigned chapter I knew it wasn’t coincidence that my turn fell on this particular chapter. In the book the author is sharing about a major crisis she faced in her marriage and how they worked through it. I knew that I could just talk about the author’s experience but what would be better would be to share my own. Yet, I keep talking myself out of it. It’s hard to make ourselves vulnerable! Oh to have the courage to take risks and the discipline to tell the truth! Yet I didn’t want to just share my experience and say ‘it’s ok – we all struggle’. Thank you for showing me how to link it all back to Jesus. His truth in exchange for ours! Thanks Edie.
Praying for grace and courage in your truth-telling, book- writing, Edie. Thanks for showing up and offering vulnerability, it is such a good gift to your readers as we all learn to live loved and fully accepted by our savior.
“We can tell the truth because we’re safe now. The worst has already happened and it happened to Jesus and nothing else can wreck us.” Amen!
I’m learning to re-define what a good day is, and a bad day. Learning to see that a good day is one in which I am wholly and completly dependant, crying out to the One who gave all for love of me. Learning to also see a bad day as one in which I capably go about forgetting the One who offers my soul the richest of fare. Reframing my perspective is helping me to be more real. It seems like semantics I suppose, but it’s been too long thinking having faith meant “doing fine” this is helping me along in the freedom found in the truths you so beautifully expressed here.
Edie, I just read today that “that we believers must not only sincerely confess our sins but also be CERTAIN of forgiveness.” Thank God! You cannot wonder if you’ve been forgiven. He has already shared that good news!
Hallelluia! He who is freed by the son is free indeed. In tears at the end of this one 🙂
Love you, Edie! That about says it all!
Beautiful words! Thank you
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I knew I needed to see one last webpage before bed! Thank you for writing this, I needed it today. In between opening a second shop with my husband in a town nearby, raising two little kids and dealing with too much family that lives too close for comfort sometimes…I’m failing. I’m dropping every ball thrown at me, everything is hard right now. I’ve lost my patience, my list, my motivation, and worst, my JOY. BUT, I realize that if it were all easy, I wouldn’t call out to God. Those who are swimming in calm, shallow waters do not need rescuing. It’s just so good to know that I’m not alone, and that those I look up to, who do seem to have it all together, go through the same sorts of things. Bless you Edie, and thank you so much for sharing what is not easy to share.
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I’m broken, in this season. Your words give me hope. Thank you for your courage.
I’ve been under the blanket for years. Thank you Edie for wording it so perfectly! I hear His voice though you. Praying that you’ll always be the vessel you are – we need you to help us through. May you be lifted up through your encouragement of others.
Thank you for your boldness to share! Such a good reminder that NOTHING is too difficult for Jesus! I LOVE this post! blessings to you!
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I am enjoying your blog so much.its real.Real faith lived out in everyday activity.which is where we are made to be, so happy to listen to all of your podcasts and read you recommended books.we are sharing about you in our ladies group.thank you for your hard work.
Mmmmm. Love this. I know the older I get, the less sure I am of anything. Maybe anything but this: His grace is sufficient for this day. Maybe not tomorrow, sometimes tomorrow is too far ahead. But today? Yes. I too have learned that the best way for me to heal is to be exposed. Real. Raw. Messy and beautiful. The best things are. Messy and beautiful, that is. Cheers to real and rolling out of bed at 3am to embrace our brokenness and find light. Beautiful.
It’s been a while since I have caught up on your blog Edie… Tonight I am so tired spent the entire day outside doing yard work!:-) I really needed some encouragement tonight and thought … Edie is always good for that!! Really it was exactly what I needed to hear.. God is so good!! Thank you for sharring and being obedient:-)
i completely don’t get it– love your recipes tho…
Good morning Edie, reading this post again for the 3 rd time! It’s funny how our little minds need to be reminded of the most important things!! Thank you again for your honesty in this post. Happy belated Birthday!
i totally agree what the author says. Writing is a private process need intuitive feelings and sophisticated life experience.
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Your5 words speak to me time and time again. Can’t wait to read your book!
An angel arrived at my front door today carrying a message from God. I know it. I am sure of this. It arrived at a time when I was in emotional and physical dire need of the message it held inside the beautiful box: “You can do this. You are worth it. You are strong enough. You Are Enough! I Love You!” At this writing I’m not sure of the person who sent it to me, but I do know it was a Sign. A Direct Message from God, and through the sender, this angel, He Spoke To Me. I can finally accept this Gift and say, “I’m not okay. I’m so tired of pretending and hiding my unhappiness behind red wine. I’m ready to be set free. God help me find me strength and worthiness and I’m forever blessed for sending me this very special angel to carry your message to me.”
What you said: “We can tell the truth because we’re safe now. The worst has already happened and it happened to Jesus and nothing else can wreck us. We are in the arc of Christ, where nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. The truth is out and we’re exposed for the sinners we are.”
Now across the country, I’d like to get under this blanket with [you] and let’s get cozy.
You have spoke to me. You sent a sign. I have courage. Thank you for my Day One tomorrow. I am armed and ready to begin to do this with your blessings, God’s grace, and the help of Young Living Essential Oils!, (Young living.com).
“It’s called the righteousness of Christ and He will make Himself vulnerable unto death to protect us. His Truth in exchange for ours.”
Thank you my beloved, Miz Edie.
You most probably have no knowledge of the miracle you have performed in sending that box to arrive on the exact day when I choose to say, ” I can’t possibly do this one more single moment”. And the strength it is going to provide me in my recovery. And thank you Young Living Essential Oils. You are going to be so helpful. (young living.com).
Xoxoxo Lynn❤❤❤❤❤
P.S. Thank you “Granny”❤❤❤