writin’ the next cipher

by Edie Wadsworth on December 31, 2011

I have 47 posts swirling in my head. But I’ve been hamstrung this week. A few snarky emails will do that to a committed people pleasing girl.
Once in a while, it seems I will inevitably strike at a nerve. I will say something and either the way I say it or the content of what I’m saying comes across as offensive.
I’ve been blogging for four years and during the first two years, I removed several posts because I grew weary of the negative/controversial emails.
I don’t do that anymore. I am not ashamed of who I am.
I can only write my story, with it’s myriad of limitations and biases and faults.
And writing is hard. It takes a lot of time and hefty dose of courage.

Then I start to reevaluate all of it. Is it worth making myself {and my family} vulnerable?
Should I shut it all down and quietly go about my business? Or perhaps I should be more seeker sensitive and write only those things which culture values.
So, I ran a lot this week. And thought about it. And stewed about it. And repented for the need to justify myself. And ran harder. (It’s been good for my workout)

Then, I pulled on my big girl running shorts and decided that I really like being here, in this space.
I don’t take it for granted. I can handle the occasional critic. And though I don’t imagine that I’ll always write here–I do think it’s where I’m supposed to be for now.
I am completely humbled and thankful for the privilege to do this: to write, to make friends, to encourage, to be encouraged.
Most days, I do it with fear and trembling.
There seems no end to the blessings that I’ve received from meeting you here.
So, thank you. I am indebted to you for your unfailing kindness and encouragement.

Please know that this space is where I share my very own personal views and beliefs. Like Lewis, I don’t write to be understood but to understand.
I pray you will leave here with something helpful for your own journey but I will not change my story for you.
I pray you will read with grace and compassion for a woman who is deeply flawed but desperately seeking the life and redemption only to be found in Christ and often to be found in suffering.

***********************

On a related note, I may or may not listen to semi-angry hip-hop and rock music when I’m running. It may or may not be the only thing that will motivate me to make it back to my car. I call it audio-adrenaline. I usually prefer the likes of Eminem and Alkaline Trio (the clean versions, of course) but this was the song of the week for my misunderstood self. I feel vindicated. And tired. Very tired.

Comments closed because y’all are so sweet that you’re gonna run to my rescue and I promise, I’m over it now and I know you’re there for me!
Also, if I remove this post tomorrow (enjoy the irony) , you won’t have typed your comment in vain!
xoxo
mwahhhhh :)
peace out, yo.

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1 Karen January 29, 2012 at 1:04 am

Edie, I am so glad you did not erase this post. I was troubled by the idea of erasing your feelings and your search for resolution.  I know, it’s a blog, not a stone tablet and deletion can accomplished with a keystroke,  no chisel required.  There was just something so raw and tangible within this post that I am glad I didn’t miss it. 

2 Matilda Joyce January 29, 2012 at 3:04 am

Karen said my thoughts perfectly.  

3 Sarahslhome January 29, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Sweet Edie,
I’m so glad that you didn’t erase this, I had started reading and had to stop before I finished it, then couldn’t find it?

I have never felt offend, in fact the opposite. I’ve been grateful for your willingness to be open and candid. Exposing that you are in fact REAL!

In the last few years, mostly since we started home schooling, I began to see that I wasn’t really being me. I was to concerned with others approval of me, my family, and how we lived. Homeschooling cost me friends (at least that’s what I thought) I now know that it was to save me from people who weren’t my friends. I began to rediscover who I was, what I liked, how I wanted to spend my time, what was important to me. I also had the chance to be experience new life, free from pleasing those that didn’t matter. I discovered new friends, many with similar ideas & some with radically different. But all have something to offer. While I’ve never met you, you are one of the “friends”.  I’m thankful that you are you & that you let that show. You have been a great source of ideas, encouragement, humor, and reflection.

I’m glad that you are here and willing to share and I hope that you stay for a long time. They’ll always be critics, there will also be those that benefit from your courage & generosity. Just be you.

4 Kristin S February 3, 2012 at 1:13 am

Don’t remove this post!  These are my faves.

On a different note, see “belt it out songs”  http://kristinwithani.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/belt-it-out-song/

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