Project Restoration::Edition 2, rebuilding a heart

by Edie Wadsworth on April 13, 2011

There are still days, since the fire, that I feel like an Israelite wandering in the wilderness.   Lonely and unsteady and heartsick.

Today is one of those days.

Rebuilding a life seems like impossible work.   Some days, I’m not sure I have it in me.

This wilderness is nothing like home.   Sure, I have everything I need and more.   And yet, I long for anything from the past—something to remind me of what once was.

Rebuilding a house is one thing.  But rebuilding a heart?  That’s another story altogether.

I have beds and chairs and tables but it’s all undone.  Just like me.

I have that vague temporary feeling that I’m staying at a roadside inn, waiting.

Waiting for the house to be built.

Waiting for the insurance.

Waiting for the ache to stop.

Waiting for something that never comes.

Or perhaps waiting for someone—-to tell me how to do this.

I don’t know where to start.  What order to do it all in.  Do I need lamps and shoes and quilts or just courage enough to show up at the Lord’s table for  the Bread of life?

Is it too late to wonder if this is all just a bad dream?

Do I just march on with life or is there time to fall apart?

********************************

There are breaks in the hazy despair and I find myself  excited about the new life.

It’s such a picture of our life in Christ, the dying and rising.

But sometimes, in our desperateness, we just want to take back what we’ve lost.

The new life forces us to trust in Grace that’s not our own.

The new life leaves us vulnerable,  without a true home, without the comforts of our idols.

No wonder the people of Israel  wanted to go back to Egypt.

I’ve turned my nose at the manna too.

This bread of heaven seems a meager substitute for the feasts I was accustomed too.

And that’s when I see it.    The ingratitude.    The self-pity and the  selfish wanting.

If I can’t learn to be thankful here, in this wilderness—–with this manna, will I ever know the true joy of going home?

Is that why He brought me here?

To show me that true  joy only comes with gratitude?

That gratitude is not a mere  feeling—–but that  it comes on purpose.   When I open my hands to ALL His gifts, even the manna.

The Lord  must build the house, or they labor in vain that build it.

So today I  pray:

Remake me Lord.   Rebuild me with the multitude of Your tender mercies.   May Christ be the chief cornerstone of this house.   And when I   fill it with the idols of this world, I ask you tear it down again and start anew.      Strengthen me in the waiting.  Comfort the aches of  body and soul.   Feed  me with the Bread of heaven and for the sake of Christ, forgive my ingratitude.  Restore to me the joy of my salvation.   Remove this heart of stone and make it new.   Amen.

Today, the concrete walls will be poured and the girls and I will go watch.  I’m reposting  this video from the Nester—-my dear sweet friend.   On days like today, it brings me so much comfort.   Thank you for your prayers today.  Comments are closed.


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1 Nics Cahill April 13, 2011 at 11:09 am

What an honest, and touching post Edie. One of the wonderful things I love about the Father, our Papa, is that He meets you exactly where you are, He does not condemn or get angry with us, He just says, I LOVE YOU, my precious child, flop in my arms of love, and know that I will give you the strength to get through this, I will feed you with my life, with my breathe. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Nics

saltandsparkle.com

2 Nicole Brandt April 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

What a touching post. I can hear you crying out to the Lord in every word. Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve girl. I admire it so.

3 Hadams007 April 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm

I am praying for you.

4 Amy Avery April 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Edie, I have been thinking of you and praying for your continued restoration. It is such a swing of emotions in going through something as you have with your family. My mother lost her husband three years ago in his taking of his own life. He was terminally ill and no one knew of how depressed he was. My mother was heart broken, but she turned to her faith as you have. She has gone through her ups and downs, but continually has clung back to her faith to get her through. I tell you this because I see you in my mother. Her strength has been gained in relying on her heavenly Father, just as yours has. She too has spoken of feeling ungrateful for the mercies and grace given to her in this tradgedy and for the tears shed because of her ungratefulness. But in reality, it is not ungratefulness, but only the essence of humaness that brings us back to longing for what was. It is only natural and our heavenly Father embraces us more as we cling to Hime in these times. Ironically, as my mother has said, it is in the times that she has felt sorrow and ungratefulness that she has felt the closest to Our Father in the realiztion of the mercy and grace that he still showers down in spite of our humaness. Bless you Edie. I love your precious heart. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I appreciate you and your honesty.

5 Amy Avery April 13, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Edie, I have been thinking of you and praying for your continued restoration. It is such a swing of emotions in going through something as you have with your family. My mother lost her husband three years ago in his taking of his own life. He was terminally ill and no one knew of how depressed he was. My mother was heart broken, but she turned to her faith as you have. She has gone through her ups and downs, but continually has clung back to her faith to get her through. I tell you this because I see you in my mother. Her strength has been gained in relying on her heavenly Father, just as yours has. She too has spoken of feeling ungrateful for the mercies and grace given to her in this tradgedy and for the tears shed because of her ungratefulness. But in reality, it is not ungratefulness, but only the essence of humaness that brings us back to longing for what was. It is only natural and our heavenly Father embraces us more as we cling to Hime in these times. Ironically, as my mother has said, it is in the times that she has felt sorrow and ungratefulness that she has felt the closest to Our Father in the realiztion of the mercy and grace that he still showers down in spite of our humaness. Bless you Edie. I love your precious heart. You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I appreciate you and your honesty.

6 mary beth April 13, 2011 at 1:45 pm

You are not alone. Let Him carry you through these days when you can’t walk on your own.He is enough!

7 Todayalongthejourney April 13, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Edie time heals the hurt, our Lord heals our hearts.
You heart will be full once more he does not fail us.

Continued prayers for you and your family as you walk the
next part of your journey.

8 Lelia April 13, 2011 at 2:36 pm

What a beautifully written post! It provides so much insight into your world & thought process, your heart. And it also provides encouragement for those of us lost out in the wildernes for reasons all our own. You’re an inspiration! Thank you!

9 paige April 13, 2011 at 3:33 pm

oh girl, thank you for your raw real self. we love you.i praying your soul finds peace today.
boo & hiss for wilderness wanderings. i’ve been there too.
love you

10 Kathy Ferguson Griffin April 13, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Just so touched! So grateful for you, eventhough I have never met you! What a wonderful example of a STRONG Christian woman you are walking out her faith in the reality of life!! Praise God!! He does RESTORE! Let the weak say, I AM STRONG!

11 Lori April 13, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Have you read One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp? I am reading it now and I think you would like it. Check out the trailer at onethousandgifts.com

12 Abby April 13, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Oh Bless you today Edie. This post is my favorite. Wow, you can preach it girl! Love to you and the family as God guides you on a new journey.

13 Melissa Stover April 13, 2011 at 9:17 pm

love your analogy to the israelites. times like this make us see the characters in the bible as real people with real struggles. praying for you today. hugs.

14 LaVonne @Long Wait April 13, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Thanks for this honest post, Edie. I appreciate it. My prayers are with you as you rebuild. Thank you for the reference to Christ dying and rising to new life as well. It is a good reminder.

Blessings!
Long Wait For Isabella

15 Anonymous April 14, 2011 at 4:38 am

Thinking of and praying for your family as you begin the rebuilding process.

16 ariesjr79 April 14, 2011 at 6:46 am

I can’t help but see the cross in this picture, truth that there is beauty everywhere and so is He :)

17 Brooke Phillips April 14, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Ohhhh, Edie…how my heart is drawn and tenderized by your words!!!! I have nothing whatsoever but love for you and for Jesus when I think of you.

18 Livenletlive April 15, 2011 at 12:00 am

My parents sold everything they had to build a home from scratch so they could afford to give us a better life. They never allowed themselves to want the car they sold, the furniture they gave away or the home they sold to get the start up money be a negative thing. We lived with very little for a few years but never noticed since this was our family and we were all had more than so many. Bookshelves were restocked, bikes were replaced and we never felt anything but lucky to have parents who worked hard to give us a safe loving home.

Find joy in every day. Do not let the past be your today. When you look at what was, what should of been, what could of been you miss the chance to enjoy this day…

19 Mullinkm260 April 15, 2011 at 6:05 am

Edie, I know these days are hard. And people don’t understand. They think- how fun! You get a new kitchen, a new sofa and new comforter. :) But, I know the feeling of oh no- what do I have to buy now. I actually broke down in many furniture stores. It is fun to buy new things- but not when you have to buy EVERYTHING! Take it one day at a time. There will always be time to go buy more stuff later. And when I look back on our fire, the weeks and months we spent in the rental house were some of the best times for us as a family. Because there was very little to pick up/clean up or organize we had so much time to be together. I long for those days again sometimes.

Have you ever heard the song “Pass it on”? It is a song we sang at church growing up. I think of it often when I think of our fire:
“It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That’s how it is with God’s Love,
Once you’ve experienced it,
Your spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.”

Our fire was horrible, awful and very tragic. My kids are still dealing with it in many ways. But- I can also see where God has worked in all of it. I can see that in your fire too! May God continue to strengthen you, give you his peace and build in you the fire that brings others to Him!

20 Jennmurray April 15, 2011 at 5:32 pm

i love this honest and raw posting of your feelings in this season of the valley of the shadow of death. you are still dealing with the grief of the loss. it will come and go and that is ok, but i love the connection between gratitude and joy. thanks for being authentic and reminding me of the connection.
~jenn
http://www.jennalane2.blogspot.com

21 Valarie April 17, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Think of the lives you have changed through this sad event in your life….. drawing strangers, friends closer to HIM, all for his purpose.

22 lauren@somethingreal April 18, 2011 at 4:45 am

mmm.. all so good and true and desperately rich and hard. the dying and the rising. i would not be surprised in the least if our most favorite treasures that are lost here on earth God purifies and restores and tucks them into our eternal home… feathers our nest. He is so good like that. :)

23 Mdavis April 19, 2011 at 1:26 am

If you have not done the Bible study of Jonah, A Life Interrupted; now would be a great time to do it.I cannot imagine what you are going through.

24 Thirsty Reader April 23, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Well said, and with a beautiful prayer for any of us who have walked in our own desert.

25 SimplyComplex April 24, 2011 at 4:01 am

beautiful

26 SimplyComplex April 24, 2011 at 4:01 am

beautiful

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